Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
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Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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