You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.