Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
27 Hairstyles That Always Come With A Matching Personality
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.