On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?