Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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