And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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