whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
