sarcasm needs its own font
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Randomize
