He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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