dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
