u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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