Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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