Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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