So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
