what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
