He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
