Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
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