he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
