She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
