you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
