do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
