As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
