before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
