I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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