i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
