You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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