I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
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Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
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I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
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