Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
