Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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