Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
