New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
