Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
