I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
