who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
