the condom got lost in my hair
where am i from again
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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