i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
