anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
How does it feel to date your dad?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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