You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I don't deserve a penis
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
