Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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