I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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