Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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