Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
