I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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