I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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