I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
