we have pet lesbian snakes
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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