I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
