When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
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Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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