I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
