i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
