his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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