Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Randomize
