I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
