The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
