I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
