I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
