just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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