Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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