We're like a lot better than the average bears
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
