how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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