A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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