I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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