you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
